First, Some GREAT golf quotes:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
~ Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
~ Raymond Willis
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~ Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino
And now some Caddy Comments:
TEN BEST CADDIE REMARKS#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
And the old favorite.....is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his
long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies, "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club." The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says, "No, the other end."
30 Axioms of Golf
1) Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.4) If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
2) Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
3) When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
5) The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
6) No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7) The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
8) Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
9) A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
10) It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
11) Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
12) Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
13) It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
14) The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
15) You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
16) If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
17) Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
18) When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
19) Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
20) If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
21) To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
22) There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
23) Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind
24) A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
25) If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint .
26) It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
27) A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
28) Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
29) A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play30) On a long par 5, the guy in the foursome of hackers who hits the shortest drive always thinks he can get to the green in two.
OK, now to Stupid Golf Jokes!
NEW MENU
An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers:
"I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly:
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger!
Old Guys Golfing
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Wife HATES Golf
After a round, the golfer tries to distract his wife when he returns.
He walks in with a duck under his arm, and instantly she yells: "What the HELL is that!"
Without looking at her he says: "This is the pig I've been fucking."
She howls back: "That's not a pig!"
He looks up at her and says: "I wasn't talking to you!"
AFRICAN GOLF LESSON
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. There was a course and he was directed to one in the nearby jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play. "Sure," said the Pro, "what's your
handicap?"Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro who then called a Caddy. "Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa, you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to
the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle dropped at his side, looking on unconcernedly."Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man in pain.
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here.
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes," the man answers.
The questioning continued: "Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man replies.
He stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?" the detective wonders aloud.
"I don't know," the man sobbed, "Five ... six ... put me down for a five."
TOUGH COURSE?
Yeah, but not for the well-prepared golfer!
Robbery try at golf course foiled
The Macon Telegraph (AP Wire Story)
December 12, 1998 (Filed December 11, 1998) AP Writer
STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. (AP) — A suspended high school student was shot by a golfer when he and two other teen-agers allegedly tried to rob a foursome at gunpoint on a DeKalb County course, police said.
The student, whose name was not released because he is a juvenile, was hospitalized in critical condition Thursday night. Police Sgt. Ron Eunice said the injured youth and the other teens would be charged with attempted robbery, kidnapping and aggravated assault.
Eunice said the three accosted a golf cart rounding a curve on a wooded trail at Hidden Hills Golf and Country Club and forced the two occupants to the ground at gunpoint about 4 p.m. Thursday. As a second cart rounded the curve, the driver pulled a gun from his golf bag and fired, striking one of the youths in the face. The other two ran.
The name of the golfer who shot the gun was not released. Police said no changes are planned against him.
HENCH adds:
I wonder if the golfer yelled "Fore?"
Crooks to their buddies: "Whew, that's a tough course!"
Golfers: "What did you use on that hole, 9 iron?" "Nope, 9 mm."
New meaning to "Hole in one"
I wonder if they had to let a group play through while the police filed a report?
When they finally got to the clubhouse for a drink, was it the 20th hole?
"Hey Al, what did you get on that hole?" "A birdie AND a bogey!"
Will Callaway come out with a bag that holds 14 clubs and 9 rounds?
Caddie: "Hmmmmm. It's 220 yards to the crook's feet, with the wind, I figure 223 to get him right between the eyes. Aim a bit left."
New meaning to the term "Target Golf"
I hear 9mm bullets leave a huge divot.....in the back of the head.
Ah, NOW I know how to play a "knock-down shot"
After a bad front, George said, "Let's clean-up the back nine."
The beer cart at that course probably stocks ammo.
Starter to visiting foursome: "We have some interesting hazards here."
Need to get some golf practice in, let’s hit the driving, er, shooting range.
Moses and Jesus are playing golf, Jesus says: "This is a 230 yard par 3 over water, and Jack Nicklaus would use a 4 iron." Moses responds: "Not enough club for you." Jesus hits it in the water, and asks Moses to part the water for him, like the Red Sea. Moses says: "No way, I’m up two with two to go!" Jesus starts walking on water looking for his ball. A group following them comes to the tee and one of them says: "Wow! Who does he think he is, Jesus?" Moses responds: "No, he thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus."
Two guys are playing golf as a funeral procession goes by. The guy on the tee stops, takes his hat off, and waits for the procession to pass before he hits his shot. The other says: "That was courteous." The guy says: "Well, I was married to her for thirty years."
Guy plays with his wife. He hits the ball into the maintenance shed. The wife says: "I’ll hold this door open, and you can hit your shot." He hits HER in the head and kills her. Three years later, he’s playing with his new wife and hits it in the same shed. She offers to hold the door for him, but he responds: "No way honey, the last time I tried that, I made a triple bogey!"
A golfer standing on the tenth tee looks out to the ocean at a couple of fisherman and says to his partner: "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain!"
A couple are getting married. The groom says: "Honey, I have to confess I’m addicted to golf." She says: "That’s O.K., I have to confess I’m a hooker." The groom says: "That’s O.K., we’ll just keep your head down……and your left arm straight, that’ll fix it!"
A terrible golfer gets frustrated with his game and starts blaming his experienced caddie. He says: "You must be the worst caddie on Earth." The caddie responds: "No sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.
A guy meets a girl at the golf course and plays 18 with her. She hits the ball long, shoots 69, goes out to dinner with him and gives him a great blowjob. He asks her to marry him when she admits that "she" is really a man in drag. "Wholly SHIT!" says the guy.. "You were playing from the ladies tees!"
On a long par five, a golfer cuts a little too much off the corner, and is in the trees. He sees a gap, and decides he can make the green if he hits a driver between two trees and under a branch. The ball hits the tree, comes straight back, hits him in the head, and kills him. Upon reaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter sees the golf togs and asks: "I see you’re a golfer, are you any good?" "Any good?" the overly confident golfer responds…"I got here in two didn’t I?"
Bob dies, goes to Heaven and comes back to tell his friend Sam. "Sam, there’s golf in Heaven!" "That’s great Bob!" "Don’t get too excited Sam, you have a tee-time for next Tuesday."
A guy is stranded on an island for ten years. A raft with a beautiful girl shows up. She asks if he’d like a drink, and produces a flask from her right-side pocket. She asks if he’d like a cigar, then produces one from the left-side pocket. She then starts to unbutton her blouse, and asks if he’d like to play around. In amazement he says: "Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!"
Noting that her husband looked extremely haggard after his usual Sunday golf game, the wife asks if everything is O.K. "Yeah, he says, it's just that Joe had a heart attack and died on hole 6, and after that it was hit the ball, drag Joe, hit the ball, drag Joe." "And everything is O.K.?!" the wife exclaims. "Oh yeah, I still managed to shoot under my handicap."
The Pope gets a letter from the head Rabbi in Israel challenging him to a game of golf. The Pope's handicap is 28, so he calls on one of his flock for help. "Jack, you are now Cardinal Nicklaus, and I want you to go whip the socks off the Rabbi." When Jack, er, Cardinal Nicklaus returns, the Pope asks how it went. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I played my best game ever, and shot a 63. The bad news is I lost to Rabbi Woods by 2 strokes."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" " Ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A bum asked a man on the street for $2. "Will you buy booze with it?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No, I
don't drink." The man took in the bum's tattered clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
Again the bum replies, "No, I don't gamble." Intrigued, the man took another tack. "Will you make bets at the golf
course?" And once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a
round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking
woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks
if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful
woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the
three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try
to coach me on my game".The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are
on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She
then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th
and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys
have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot
par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of
your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will
never forget. "The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a
couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the
right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go
in the cup."The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches
to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into
the cup."Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball,
drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
Ladies Golf
A foursome of ladies returned to the clubhouse after a round. The pro asks how their game went.
The first said she had a good round, with 25 riders. The second said OK, 16 riders. The third had 10, and the fourth was very unhappy, with only two riders.
The pro was confused by this so asked the bartender in the 19th hole what the term "riders" meant.
The bartender smiled and explained a "rider" is where you have hit a shot long enough to ride in the golf cart.